“Mum, have you finally booked that gastroscopy?” “Give me a break, I can’t deal with that right now.” If this exchange sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many adult children worry about their parents’ health, and the more they worry, the harder they push. Yet pressure very often has the opposite effect.

In this article you will find several research-based tips on how to talk to your parents (and also grandparents, a partner or a friend) about health screenings in a way that does not end in an argument.

Why “just get checked already!” usually doesn’t work

When people feel that someone is trying to limit their freedom of choice, they experience what psychologists call psychological reactance. It is a natural defensive reaction: anger appears, and energy goes into regaining a sense of control rather than into thinking about the issue at hand. Stephen Rains from the University of Arizona analysed the results of many studies on this phenomenon. His meta-analysis shows that the more a message is perceived as a threat to freedom of choice, the stronger the anger and resistance, and therefore the lower the chance that someone will take our advice.

In practice, phrases such as “you must”, “you should” or “stop acting like a child!” can make a parent hold on to their “no” even more firmly. Not because they don’t care about their health, but because they are defending their right to make decisions about themselves.

What might lie behind a “no”?

Before we start persuading, it is worth understanding how complex this is. A short “no” may be hiding:

• Fear of the result: “What if they find something?”; “I’d rather not know”.
• The belief that “at my age there’s no point anymore”: this may be linked to the way people think about their own ageing. Professor Becca Levy from Yale University and Lindsey Myers followed 241 people aged 50-80 for about 20 years. Those who had a more positive view of their own ageing at the start of the study took better care of their health in the following years: they ate more healthily, were physically active and took their medication as prescribed.
• Fear of becoming a burden: “I don’t want to trouble anyone / burden others with my problems”.
• Shame and embarrassment: especially with intimate examinations.
• Practical barriers: online registration, transport, queues, no one to go with me and help if I can’t manage something (paperwork, logistics).
• Distrust of the healthcare system or of medical staff: often after previous difficult experiences, for example a rude comment from a member of staff.

Each of these reasons calls for a different conversation. That is why the first step is not persuading, but asking.

So what can you do? How to talk

Elements of motivational interviewing can be helpful here. Instead of persuading, this approach helps the other person arrive at their own reasons for change. Brad Lundahl and colleagues summarised 25 years of research on this approach and showed that it supports change across a range of health behaviours.

1. Choose the right moment: a calm one-to-one conversation may work better than a topic “thrown in” at the holiday dinner table in front of the whole family.

2. Ask for permission: “Can I ask you something about your health?” or “Can I share something that’s been worrying me lately?”. It is a small thing, but it immediately reduces the sense that their autonomy (their own boundaries) is under threat.

3. Ask open questions: “How do you actually feel about these check-ups?”, “What makes you keep putting it off?” (remember to keep an empathetic tone of voice), “What would need to happen to make it easier for you?”.

4. Listen and reflect: “I hear that you’re afraid of the diagnosis and that everything will change afterwards”. Naming a fear does not mean we agree to skipping the check-up. It means we are trying to understand our parent’s perspective, and that often opens the door to further conversation.

5. Talk about yourself, not about them: “I keep coming back to this because I love you” sounds completely different from “You’re neglecting yourself”.

Talk about what really matters to them

Scaring people with illness is often ineffective, especially with older adults. Researchers from Cornell University (Shamaskin et al., 2010) compared how younger and older people responded to health brochures. Older adults remembered positively framed messages better and rated them as more valuable, that is, messages about what can be gained rather than those focused on losses.

Instead of “You could have cancer and not even know it”, try appealing to what your parents care about: “We want you to still have the energy to take the grandchildren to the lake in the years to come” or “You said you want to go to Croatia with us next year. Let’s get a check-up first so you can enjoy it with peace of mind”. The check-up then stops being a search for illness and becomes a way of looking after the things that matter most.

Take the logistics off their hands

Very often the paralysing fear also comes from the check-up feeling like a whole undertaking, in which logistics and all the details involved are the main obstacle. This is where adult children can help the most:

• Sit down together and fill in the online health questionnaire (in Poland, the “Moje Zdrowie” programme in the IKP patient account or the mojeIKP app).
• Book the appointment, give them a lift, offer to go together.
• Prepare a list of questions and symptoms together that your parent wants to mention to the doctor.

Having someone close at a medical appointment is more than emotional support. Jennifer Wolff and Debra Roter from Johns Hopkins University reviewed research on this topic. In the United States, more than one in three routine adult medical visits are accompanied, most often by a spouse or an adult child. Companions not only provide reassurance, but also help with communication: they give the medical staff information, help the patient remember what was said, explain instructions and ask questions.

Free screening programmes in Poland (NFZ, as of 2026):

• “Moje Zdrowie” programme: for adults over 20. It starts with a short questionnaire in the IKP patient account or at a primary care clinic (POZ), and the set of tests is tailored to age, sex and lifestyle.
• Mammography: women aged 45-74, every 2 years, no referral needed.
• HPV HR test: women aged 25-64, every 5 years, no referral needed.
• Colonoscopy: people aged 50-65 without a referral, and aged 40-49 if a close relative has had bowel cancer.
• Visit to a psychiatrist: no referral needed.

Programmes and eligibility rules can change, so it is worth checking the latest information at pacjent.gov.pl or with your clinic. If your parents live in another country, check the national screening programmes available there.

You are part of this story too

Talking about your parents’ check-ups is also a good opportunity to look after yourself. The simplest way is to lead by example: “I’m going for my check-up in November, shall we go together?” sounds very different from “When are you finally going to take care of yourself?”.

When you still hear “no”

An adult has the right to make decisions we disagree with. Paradoxically, respecting that right, even while returning to the topic from time to time, can increase the chance that at some point the parent will bring it up themselves. It is worth:

• Saying openly that you accept their decision, but the topic remains open: “Okay, I respect your decision. If you change your mind, I’ll be happy to help”.
• Returning to the conversation after some time, for example around a birthday or a doctor’s visit for another reason.
• Avoiding emotional blackmail and scare tactics. They may have a short-term effect, but they usually damage the relationship, and the relationship is your most important resource in future conversations.
• Looking after your own emotions. Worrying about a loved one’s health is natural; it is worth noticing when the conversation starts to serve letting off steam more than supporting the other person.

A quick cheat sheet

• Instead of “You have to get checked”, try: “What do you think about having a check-up?”.
• Instead of “Don’t be scared”, try: “I understand it’s stressful. What worries you most?”.
• Instead of “At your age it’s a must”, try: “I want you to be in the best possible shape”.
• Instead of “Just book it already”, try: “I’ll book it for you and try to come with you, okay?”.

Talking about health check-ups is not a one-off event, but a process. The more patience, curiosity, respect and practical help it involves, and the less pressure, the greater the chance that one day you will hear: “All right, I’ll book it this month”.