The illustrations (in Polish) show two scenes. In the first, a mother calls her daughter and says: “Why don’t you ever call me?” In the second, a stranger at the gym says to a woman: “Take your time, we’ve got all day.”

The thing about aggression is that it is easy to identify. In passive-aggressive communication and behaviour, aggression is more or less effectively hidden. As recipients, we can usually recognise it quite easily, but the other person behaves in a way that allows them to turn the situation around and mask their aggression if confronted.

People who communicate in this way avoid both expressing their needs directly and taking responsibility for their behaviour, which relies on plausible deniability. This allows the speaker to communicate the kind of reasoning which is inauthentic, non-falsifiable and impossible to argue with, or in turn to attack the other person – this time directly – by saying something like: “you’re nit-picking”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, “you’re being oversensitive”. This lets them mask the reasons behind the original behaviour. This is how passive aggression elicits a sense of helplessness in the recipient: on the one hand, failure to respond permits and encourages similar treatment in the future; on the other hand, a reaction aggravates the existing conflict.

With single, isolated instances of passive aggression, we may be unsure if this is what we are actually dealing with. However, we get more certainty when this mode of communication changes from a one-time occurrence into a recurring pattern.

Passive-aggressive behaviours take many forms. One of them is deliberate ineffectiveness, for example when someone pretends that they tried to get you a laptop with a larger screen from the IT department, as promised, but in reality never even bothered.

Another is being late to events which we have mixed feelings about, such as a meeting with a colleague we don’t particularly like.

Another example is not finishing or sabotaging tasks. Imagine washing up after a meeting and, when you get to the mug of a colleague you dislike, only rinsing it with water instead of washing it properly with washing-up liquid like the others.

Passive aggression may also take the form of a mock compliment: “Not a bad speech! It’s obvious that you’re not very experienced in this line of business, but clearly you spent a lot of time preparing”.

Silence is yet another option. By avoiding open conflict and staying quiet, a person can still affect the other side, triggering or reinforcing a conflict without making it any easier to resolve the difficulties in the long run.

Next, there is wishful thinking. In this case, someone talks about a need, doubt or idea but shifts the burden of responsibility to another person, for example a colleague who says at a team meeting: “I wish someone would finally help me organize quarterly webinars”.

Indirect insult is another form of passive-aggressive behaviour. Here the speaker starts with words meant to assure us of their good intentions, only to move on to something judgemental, disrespectful of boundaries or just plain unkind, for example: “Sorry to tell you that…”, “I didn’t want to mention it, but…”. The version of this statement closest to aggression would be: “I know you’re not going to like hearing this, but…”.

Other examples include stubbornness, avoiding contact in order to express one’s resentment or anger, denying one’s emotions despite experiencing them (“I’m not angry!”) or withdrawing instead of responding to the other person’s readiness to talk.

Such behaviours may stem from upbringing, environment or situational factors. Take the workplace: if we cannot look after our needs in a constructive, respectful way, while holding back aggression for fear of the consequences, we may end up masking it with some of the passive-aggressive behaviours described above.

If you notice passive-aggressive behaviours in yourself, you can try to develop an assertive attitude:

1. Increase your self-awareness: try to realise what exactly you are feeling and where these emotions come from. Observe what triggers your specific emotions in a given situation and how you behave afterwards.
2. Give yourself time: at first, you may only be able to notice your patterns of behaviour, and then gradually make changes.
3. Learn to regulate your emotions more effectively and express them constructively: reading about relaxation techniques, mindfulness, compassion, assertiveness and nonviolent communication can help.

Sometimes, however, understanding what makes direct communication difficult for us, and actually changing it, is most effective in psychotherapy.

How to handle someone else’s passive-aggressive behaviour:

1. Identify passive aggression.
2. Regulate your own emotions, for example by accepting that the situation is uncomfortable while remembering that it is you who decides whether to react impulsively or according to a higher standard.
3. Name the other person’s emotions in a non-judgemental way that refers to their behaviour.

How could the person in the first illustration respond? For example: “You seem unhappy that I’m calling you.”

Kantor, M. (2002). Passive-aggression: A guide for the therapist, the patient and the victim.
Kantor, M. (2017). Passive-aggression: Understanding the sufferer, helping the victim.
Murphy, T., & Hoff Oberlin, L. (2017). Overcoming passive-aggression: How to stop hidden anger from spoiling your relationships, career and happiness.
Johnson, N. J., & Klee, T. (2007). Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Leadership Styles in Organizations. Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies, 130-142.